I have always liked to be in the background. Never a spotlight !!! You see I am kind of a creeper! a total Facebook stalker! watching but never commenting so afraid of saying something utterly stupid! So for someone like me a self proclaimed introvert, being diagnosed with cancer at 35… just sucked balls!! for multiple reasons of course!! The weird part about the big nasty bitch that is cancer is how you will never feel more loved and you will never feel more alone… simultaneously! Isolation while in a crowded room.
Autopilot the only thing I can compare it too is when my dad died. The days between his death and the funeral. That since of duty… to take care of arrangements. What is expected. I have to say that the autopilot of cancer can be helpful for a while. It gets you to function when you have no other way to do so!
I honestly cant remember the date I was diagnosed. I know this is blasphemous to some but I have never been very good with keeping up with specific dates! Nor do I really recall what happened when I left the medical office! I know at some point I ended up sitting in the sand of Pensacola beach (where we lived at the time).I just looked at everyone just going about their normal day! I was so relived that they could not look at me and see the blow that I had just been dealt but I was also pissed because dammit how can this just be a normal day to them! That was in January 2015…but man it feels like it has been a lifetime.
Reaping the whirlwind that is cancer, most of 2015 is a blur!! filled with the same humbling/humiliating shit that every breast cancer patients go through. Surgeries,chemo, hair loss (everywhere),vomiting (or almost spilling it, constantly!), radiation…some of it varies but you get the just.